So over the weekend J and I had a “Therapy Day”, to be honest we both needed it for different reasons.
We spent the whole day doing stuff together, we did some food therapy, used Theraputty, drew pictures, blew bubbles, did puzzles and even did some painting. It was a very busy and pretty tiring day but it was just what we both needed. J was very relaxed after his day of “therapy” and spent some time relaxing with Mario and then playing with his Dad before going off to bed. Whilst he was playing Mario I started writing some things down, just to clear my head. And then once he’d gone to bed I wrote some more. I wrote from the heart, as I’ve said before I’m not great with feelings but I like to write things out. I have a few more appointments coming up over the next month that I hope will give me some answers and maybe a little more hope……….. who knows maybe they’ll even start to heal the mind games and grief that’s troubling me at the moment.
But anyhow, this is what I wrote …………….
I don’t know if I can, I don’t know if I dare
Open my heart to begin to share
How I’m screaming inside, how I really feel
Because then I have to admit what’s happened, it’s real
I try so hard to lock my feelings inside
But sometimes they’re too overwhelming for me to hide
The emptiness inside fills my heart with pain
As the thoughts in my head drive me insane
So many thoughts going through my mind
Trying to understand why life’s so unkind
But as the words go around they hurt my head
And inside I feel nothing, I’m empty, I’m dead
To lose one baby too soon broke my heart
But to lose five more has torn me apart
My heart’s trying so very hard to understand
Why we’ll never get to hold their hands
It doesn’t make sense, I keep thinking “why not?”
And then “Should we be happy with what we’ve got?”
But maybe, just maybe I want a repeat of the joy
That I get each and everyday from my special boy
But there’s a pain inside, the scars run deep
It overflows and wounds begin to weep
I don’t know what to do, again do we try?
How? When all of our hope has run dry