Posts Tagged ‘Poetry’

So over the weekend J and I had a “Therapy Day”, to be honest we both needed it for different reasons.

We spent the whole day doing stuff together, we did some food therapy, used Theraputty, drew pictures, blew bubbles, did puzzles and even did some painting. It was a very busy and pretty tiring day but it was just what we both needed. J was very relaxed after his day of “therapy” and spent some time relaxing with Mario and then playing with his Dad before going off to bed. Whilst he was playing Mario I started writing some things down, just to clear my head. And then once he’d gone to bed I wrote some more. I wrote from the heart, as I’ve said before I’m not great with feelings but I like to write things out. I have a few more appointments coming up over the next month that I hope will give me some answers and maybe a little more hope……….. who knows maybe they’ll even start to heal the mind games and grief that’s troubling me at the moment.

But anyhow, this is what I wrote …………….

I don’t know if I can, I don’t know if I dare

Open my heart to begin to share 

How I’m screaming inside, how I really feel

Because then I have to admit what’s happened, it’s real


I try so hard to lock my feelings inside

But sometimes they’re too overwhelming for me to hide

The emptiness inside fills my heart with pain

As the thoughts in my head drive me insane


So many thoughts going through my mind

Trying to understand why life’s so unkind

But as the words go around they hurt my head

And inside I feel nothing, I’m empty, I’m dead


To lose one baby too soon broke my heart

But to lose five more has torn me apart

My heart’s trying so very hard to understand

Why we’ll never get to hold their hands


It doesn’t make sense, I keep thinking “why not?”

And then “Should we be happy with what we’ve got?”

But maybe, just maybe I want a repeat of the joy

That I get each and everyday from my special boy


But there’s a pain inside, the scars run deep

It overflows and wounds begin to weep

I don’t know what to do, again do we try?

How?   When all of our hope has run dry


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So this month was my due date and whilst I’ve been trying not to dwell on anniversaries that I wish didn’t have to occur, there’s no escaping it.

By some coincidence my sister’s baby is due this week, which has shoved all of those “what could have been” thoughts and feelings right back to the front of my mind and heart. It’s not jealousy, in fact I’m very excited for her and can’t wait to see pictures of my new nephew and to meet him (via Skype), it’s just the whole “wow, that’s gone so quickly, it could have been us too” feeling, it would have been a nice thing to share with her.  The overwhelming sense of loss creeps up again, you start to wonder what might have been if things had turned out differently the first time around and ofcourse this last time. I suppose at the time I tried to deal with my feelings in the best way that I could, by keeping busy and trying not to think about it. J kept me busy ofcourse but I also helped to set up a parent support group (for parents/carers of children on the spectrum), my friend at the time kept me very busy with this, which at the time was what I needed. But then it became too much, I was trying to do too much. Trying to do too much just wasn’t working and when we received the test results (the tests completed by the hospital because we’d had recurrent miscarriages), it forced us to revisit that place inside again. I gave up running the support group and my friendship dwindled very quickly. At the time that added to the hurt and the stress but looking back now I’m glad that happened. I got to see that the friendship wasn’t what I thought it as and it enabled me to spend the time needed on me and my family and those feelings.

I’m rambling abit I know, but I like to write things down, it’s kind of therapeutic for me. Anyhow, I wrote a few words after the miscarriage earlier this year, just to get some feelings out, it’s not good to bottle things up. These are the words that I wrote……

For a small short time a little light shone

But now I know it’s too late, you’re already gone

Once again all of our hopes and dreams simply crashed

And ofcourse deep inside our hearts were bashed

Any of the feelings of hope that we had

I now know were there just to drive us mad

I think of all that we have and I feel my eyes gloss

Should we just be grateful and not mourn our loss

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A friend is always there to support

Always there with you in your fort

No matter how hard the battle

Or how many chains you’ll rattle

A friend would always offer a hug

Not turn their back with a shoulder shrug

Shoulders are there to be cried upon

And always there to be relied upon

A friend would never turn you away

No matter what time of might or day

Together you’ll always laugh and cry

No matter how much time goes by

A friend will always open their door

Because that’s what friends are for

They’re always ready and willing to share

A friend is always there to care

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I’d like to take this opportunity to wish the world a very Merry Christmas, hope everyone has a great day :)

We’ll get some ribbon, wrap some gifts                                                                                       Open our hearts and heal some rifts                                                                              Children will giggle with excitement and glee                                                                          As we take out the star to put upon the Christmas tree

You’ll crunch and much on candy canes                                                                                   Whilst peering outside through frosty window panes                                                         Unless ofcourse you live down under                                                                             Where you’ll have sun or maybe thunder!

And Let’s all get fat on Christmas cake                                                                                         Forget the diet for goodness sake                                                                                                 It doesn’t matter how hard you try                                                                                             You just can’t resist the last mince pie

In the sky I see the sleigh                                                                                                       Santa’s left he’s on his way                                                                                                               Ring the bells, hear them chime                                                                                                     It’s finally here, it’s Christmas time!

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I want to know                                                                                                                                        And I want to believe                                                                                                                That this isn’t real it’s just a dream                                                                                         But I can’t think                                                                                                                                   And I can barely breathe                                                                                                               Inside I have nothing only a scream

My heart is in pieces                                                                                                                           My head hurts so much                                                                                                                 Inside I’m so totally, completely broken                                                                              The words go round                                                                                                                            But it’s in my head that they stay                                                                                            Always inside remaining unspoken

Inside I’m screaming                                                                                                                     But all I hear is a whimper                                                                                                                 It’s barely even the tiniest sound                                                                                                   Why won’t they come out                                                                                                              In my head and my heart                                                                                                                  The screams are so great and enormously loud

Inside it still hurts                                                                                                                               Why did you leave                                                                                                                       Why did the screams ever have to start                                                                                   It won’t go away                                                                                                                                 It’s always there                                                                                                                                      This persistent unbearable grief in my heart

I miss you Nan always xxxxx

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Our Perfect Day

Feeling the sand crunching under our feet

Waiting for the ocean and our skin to meet

And falling into the waves admitting defeat

Watching, listening as the ocean hits the sand with a crash

Screaming with laughter as the waves hit us with a splash

And feeling the cold as skin and water clash

I look around to see a truly beautiful sight

My little man playing so happy and bright

The laughter so loud as he squeals with delight

The laughter and the screaming is a wonderful mixture

His face so alive, such a beautiful picture

Such an amazing memory to become a permanent fixture

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The Final Goodbye

This is a poem for my Nan  xxx   

I think of our last outing and the words that you said

As we placed the daisy’s upon your head

Just a few weeks later you were laid in a bed

And I was looking at you with eyes swollen and red


As I think of that day it’s with a sigh

I tried to speak but could only cry

But I had to stop, I had to try

For this was it, the final goodbye


I fell to my knees and began to pray

Begging for some kind of possible way

Trying to find something further to say

To stop the angels taking you away


I looked into your eyes and did it, I lied

“you can go, we’ll be ok” I said as I cried

But my emotions were almost impossible to hide

My heart broke into pieces the day that you died


It doesn’t matter how many times I ask why

I’ll never understand why you had to die

But now that you’re gone I know I must try

To say the words of my sad and final goodbye


goodbye Nan, love you always xxxxx   

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