#FMSphotoaday – Night

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Something Small That I Can’t Live Without #FMSphotoaday

Whoops I seem to have missed yesterdays FMSphotoaday challenge. 5 minutes after getting J settled into bed I was fast asleep on the sofa, so no post yesterday, I.was.just.too.tired.

So today I’ve combined yesterdays challenge with todays challenge, Small and Can’t (Won’t) Live Without = Something Small I Can’t Live Without………..

Small notes from my beautiful little man, J

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Something I Do Everyday #FMSphotoaday

A couple of pictures for todays challenge. Something I do everyday, no matter how busy I am …………….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each and everyday I always ensure that I make time to play with J. I love the time that we spend together, creating block mountains, wooden men, mario worlds, smiles and happy memories.

I think it’s too easy in todays world to allow a computer or games console to entertain our children and although J spends time on one or the other every day we restrict his time on his computer games. It’s important to us that he understands that he can have fun with other toys and with real people and that he knows Mum and Dad can still be fun sometimes.

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A Summer of Highs And Lows…………….It’s Been A While!

It’s been a while since I posted. It’s been a long summer of highs and lows and we’ve been very busy.

At the start of the Summer holidays I had surgery on my right hand, nothing serious, I have Carpal Tunnel in both hands and so had surgery to relieve it. This meant I was unable to use my right hand for 3 weeks and then had to slowly regain use of it, It’s still quite painful around the area now but the scar is only just visible.  It’s been hard work just doing some basic things (such as washing and dressing), and I’ve been really surprised at how much I rely on the use of my hands.

We renewed our Australian visas during the Summer. We discovered that they had just expired and so spoke to a very helpful person at Australia House who informed us that we could apply for a Resident Return Visa, which ofcourse we did. Our visas are valid for another 5 years, we were gutted to leave Australia in January and so by renewing our visas we might be able to return at some point over the next 5 years.

We opted for several days out over the Summer rather than a short holiday. J and I had a couple of days out with my wonderful friend Supersingle mum and her girls (one of which is J’s best (and only) friend here in England). We went to Wickstead Park, which is a small family fun/theme park and also went to the Yorkshire Wildlife Park. J enjoyed both days although was a little disappointed with the wildlife park. In his opinion there wasn’t enough animal interaction, I guess Australia Zoo is difficult to live up to.

 

   

We also had a few family days out, just my Hubby, J and I. We took J to Duxford Imperial War Museum, Cadbury World and ofcourse to the Seaside. He had great fun, in fact he had so much fun all trips were meltdown free!!! He loved looking at everything at Duxford and going to the Sealife centre whilst at the seaside but he was especially impressed with the cups of melted chocolate that he got to sample at Cadbury World. And ofcourse we’ve had numerous trips to feed the ducks!

Our housing situation hasn’t gotten any better over the Summer either. We applied to our local council for housing, ticking all the boxes for Housing Associations etc  (as most homes are now with Housing Associations) and so far we have been offered 2 retirement bungalows. Neither were suitable for a family let alone a family with a child that has J’s needs and were both just about big enough for a retired couple, however due to us refusing them our local council have put our housing application on hold for 6 months. Therefore we are stuck living in a house that we don’t really want to be in but it was the only house available to rent when we first arrived back in England. (It’s very hard to rent a house here when you’re previous landlord and references are in a different country!)

And after having a fairly good and relaxed Summer, (other than the housing situation and the surgery), J went back to school 2 weeks ago. He’s already had a week off sick and although he didn’t like feeling so full of cold and coughing, he didn’t mind being off school and was gutted to go back yesterday. Things have already gone from bad to worse since going back and J declared as soon as he exited the school grounds that he’s ”had a horrid day!” However then shutdown and couldn’t tell us why! To be honest I have given up almost all hope of communication between the school and ourselves ever working and it feels like they simply don’t want to help/support and that maybe it’s just too much trouble for them. Our ESCO support worker is currently on holiday and we don’t have our next meeting with her, the school and other professionals until next month. We also don’t have our next appointment with the community Paediatrician until next month either and so until then we all just have to bide our time and just try our best to make it through each day. To be honest the nights are becoming harder than the days at the minute, as well as the usual fun and games at bedtimes, J has started to have Night Terrors. He’s been waking up between 3 and 7 times a night, screaming, shouting, panicking, violently shaking, rambling and (it looks like) trying to get something off him. Ofcourse by morning despite us all being a little more tired than usual he has no knowledge of any of his “awakenings”. Not sure what’s suddenly caused them or how to deal with them either but I’m sure we’ll work something out soon.

So that’s it, obviously there’s been lots of other “stuff” but this has been our Summer of highs and lows. As we make our way through Autumn we’re looking forward to trying to work our way through “stuff”, work our way towards Christmas (not too long now!!) and getting out of our rut.

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Upside Down – #photoadayjuly

18 Months ago our world turned upside down……………………and we’re still trying to get things the right way up *sigh*

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Building – #photoadayjuly

*Sigh*………Oh Brisbane I miss you :’(

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A Photo A Day For July – Letter #photoadayjuly

As my heart swells with pride, happiness and love I can’t think of a better day to share this with you…………

J says I love you everyday, it’s part of his routine at bedtime and when on the rare occasion that I manage to escape go out, (usually to the supermarket), on my own, but it’s rarely said with any feeling behind it. I know that J loves me, he doesn’t have to say it because the little things he does everyday show me ………………. but this little note along accompanied by a hug *sigh* ……………..words can say a million things. xx

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A Photo A Day For July – On The Floor #photoadayjuly

So many possibilities for today’s photo………………… Firstly there’s the collection of toys sprawled all over the floor in just about every room in the house…………….Yes every room!  Or maybe I could have showed off our gardening skills by photographing the floor outside, (the strawberries are looking yum!). Or maybe I could have posted a photo of us enjoying floortime play with J’s Mario figures…………………

In the end I thought I’d keep it simple……………………

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The Best Part Of My Day – #photoadayjuly

I was torn with today’s topic for a the photo a day for July challenge.  There are 2 parts of my day that I love the most, the beginning and the end.

I don’t love the start of the day, as I said in yesterday’s post it always starts way too early, I don’t love having to drag myself out of bed, discussing Mario tactics as we amble down the stairs………………. I do however love my morning coffee…….or 2…………..or 3…………… Seriously I don’t know what I’d do with my morning caffeine shot. And of course I love the way my little guy wakes me up every morning with a smile and “MUM!”

However my favourite part of the day comes at the end of the day. I love the peace and quiet once J has finally settled into bed, I love (and need) my nanna nap, the one I have almost every night just a soon as J is asleep but most of all I love putting J to bed. I don’t love the arguments and battles that we go through each and every night but I love the special time I spend with my little guy. During our special time I read a couple of stories, we cuddle, I stroke his hands, face and back or we hold hands and he opens up, we talk about his day or something that might be bothering him, something he might be excited about or even something that he might be feeling anxious about. Our special time is the best part of my day. So today’s picture is the end of the day………..

 

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My Dearest Nan

This was a very hard post for me to write, those that visit regularly will know that my Nan meant a great deal to me.

Last Saturday marked 7 years since she said goodbye to us and joined my Grandad in Heaven. On that day every year since that day back in 2005 I experience mixed feelings. Over the last 7 years I’ve spent alot of time writing these feelings down and a while back shared some in a poem I wrote to my Nan, The Final Goodbye.

I know I’ve shared this story before (here) so don’t want to bore everyone with it all over again but as I’ve said (many) times before writing is how I deal with how I’m feeling. I keep going back to a few weeks before she died, we were out walking, (she in her wheelchair, me pushing), we made daisy chains, she was so happy and relaxed and when I placed a crown of daisies on her head I told her she looked like an angel………..she replied with “I’ll always be your angel”. Those words keep going around in my head, did she know what was about to happen, did she know what would happen over the next few months………..or years? My Nan had Alzheimer’s  and so at the time I thought it was simply “one of those comments” that she often made but a just few days later those words meant so much more to me and today I don’t think I can put into words just how much those words that she said to me actually mean. A few days after that outing my Nan had a stroke, she fought so hard to stay with us but it was just too hard. I told her that it was ok for her to go and that we’d be ok, she looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes I could feel my heart breaking right there. I know people say that when someone they love dies a part of them dies too, well that day a part of me did die, I was broken and didn’t know how to deal with my grief. Even now as I sit writing this I can feel a huge wave of grief washing over me, a part of me is missing and it’s a part that I can never get back.

However the anniversary of her death is also the anniversary of the start of my pregnancy with J. 9 months after I’d lost a huge part of my life, an amazing and wonderful new part of my life entered the world. In a way he saved me, I was so lost in my grief when my Nan died and I wasn’t coping, I just couldn’t find a way to move on. When I discovered I was pregnant, although cautious after 4 miscarriages, I knew this pregnancy was going to be different, this baby was a precious gift from my Angel,my Nan. I’ve always known he was special, I just didn’t realise just how special he was until recently. Going on to have another 2 miscarriages has meant me having a whole lot of tests being done, (and I’m back at the hospital next week), and I’ve been told that they’re not sure why I keep miscarrying but they know it’s me with the “problem” and that I may only have a 20% chance of having a successful pregnancy……………… See why that makes J even more special.

So with everything going around in my mind at the moment, I’ve had alot of mixed feelings about the anniversary this year. I miss my Nan everyday and if I could have one wish it would be to have just one more day with her. I know that feeling will never go away. I know that I’ve never really dealt with my grief and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully deal with it. I know that I’ve often said to people that know me, J is my gift from my Nan and I’ve always believed that. But this year, with recent events in our lives etc I’ve really started to believe that. And I believe J was given to us for a reason, I needed something special and that something couldn’t get any more special than my precious boy.

Last Saturday as I watched my precious little man running around a local park, my heart smiled as I watched how free and happy he was. He didn’t know what a sad anniversary that day was but as I watched him I realised he was showing me that my Nan was free now, she’s reunited with my Grandad and her babies, she’s happy and at peace. And as I watched him those words rang out in my head once more “I’ll always be your Angel”.

I don’t know what this means, maybe it means I’m finally beginning to move on and to deal with my grief. We’ll go to the cemetery to visit my Grandparents tomorrow, I couldn’t do that last week, the feelings were too raw, it was too hard to face them but this week I feel a little more at peace with it all now and it’s all thanks to my special little boy.

My Dearest Nan,

I thank you for the gift of J

I thank you for showing me the way

I thank you for always be there

I thank you for loving enough to care

I thank you for memories to treasure

I’ll thank you for your love forever x

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