This was a very hard post for me to write, those that visit regularly will know that my Nan meant a great deal to me.
Last Saturday marked 7 years since she said goodbye to us and joined my Grandad in Heaven. On that day every year since that day back in 2005 I experience mixed feelings. Over the last 7 years I’ve spent alot of time writing these feelings down and a while back shared some in a poem I wrote to my Nan, The Final Goodbye.
I know I’ve shared this story before (here) so don’t want to bore everyone with it all over again but as I’ve said (many) times before writing is how I deal with how I’m feeling. I keep going back to a few weeks before she died, we were out walking, (she in her wheelchair, me pushing), we made daisy chains, she was so happy and relaxed and when I placed a crown of daisies on her head I told her she looked like an angel………..she replied with “I’ll always be your angel”. Those words keep going around in my head, did she know what was about to happen, did she know what would happen over the next few months………..or years? My Nan had Alzheimer’s and so at the time I thought it was simply “one of those comments” that she often made but a just few days later those words meant so much more to me and today I don’t think I can put into words just how much those words that she said to me actually mean. A few days after that outing my Nan had a stroke, she fought so hard to stay with us but it was just too hard. I told her that it was ok for her to go and that we’d be ok, she looked at me with so much sadness in her eyes I could feel my heart breaking right there. I know people say that when someone they love dies a part of them dies too, well that day a part of me did die, I was broken and didn’t know how to deal with my grief. Even now as I sit writing this I can feel a huge wave of grief washing over me, a part of me is missing and it’s a part that I can never get back.
However the anniversary of her death is also the anniversary of the start of my pregnancy with J. 9 months after I’d lost a huge part of my life, an amazing and wonderful new part of my life entered the world. In a way he saved me, I was so lost in my grief when my Nan died and I wasn’t coping, I just couldn’t find a way to move on. When I discovered I was pregnant, although cautious after 4 miscarriages, I knew this pregnancy was going to be different, this baby was a precious gift from my Angel,my Nan. I’ve always known he was special, I just didn’t realise just how special he was until recently. Going on to have another 2 miscarriages has meant me having a whole lot of tests being done, (and I’m back at the hospital next week), and I’ve been told that they’re not sure why I keep miscarrying but they know it’s me with the “problem” and that I may only have a 20% chance of having a successful pregnancy……………… See why that makes J even more special. 
So with everything going around in my mind at the moment, I’ve had alot of mixed feelings about the anniversary this year. I miss my Nan everyday and if I could have one wish it would be to have just one more day with her. I know that feeling will never go away. I know that I’ve never really dealt with my grief and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully deal with it. I know that I’ve often said to people that know me, J is my gift from my Nan and I’ve always believed that. But this year, with recent events in our lives etc I’ve really started to believe that. And I believe J was given to us for a reason, I needed something special and that something couldn’t get any more special than my precious boy.
Last Saturday as I watched my precious little man running around a local park, my heart smiled as I watched how free and happy he was. He didn’t know what a sad anniversary that day was but as I watched him I realised he was showing me that my Nan was free now, she’s reunited with my Grandad and her babies, she’s happy and at peace. And as I watched him those words rang out in my head once more “I’ll always be your Angel”.
I don’t know what this means, maybe it means I’m finally beginning to move on and to deal with my grief. We’ll go to the cemetery to visit my Grandparents tomorrow, I couldn’t do that last week, the feelings were too raw, it was too hard to face them but this week I feel a little more at peace with it all now and it’s all thanks to my special little boy.
My Dearest Nan,
I thank you for the gift of J
I thank you for showing me the way
I thank you for always be there
I thank you for loving enough to care
I thank you for memories to treasure
I’ll thank you for your love forever x
This is such a moving post for me, as I was very close to my Nan too. Before I moved away from my hometown we’d meet up regularly in a local cafe for lunch and a good laugh and gossip – she also gave me the most amazing emotional and financial support when I needed it and would accept nothing back. She was a fiery, stubborn, Welsh farm girl who never backed down – she always said I had the Welsh Fire in me!
My Nan would have been 96 this month, but she died in hospital in 2010 after simply giving up and not wanting to live any more. The last time I saw her I was the one who told her she could rest now, and a couple of weeks later she passed peacefully. One of the last things she ever said to my Mum was “I love all four of my granddaughters, but Gemma has always been special”. The words warm me every time I think of her.
The strangest thing happened the night of her passing, and I still believe it was real. The phone rang in the middle of the night and I reached for it. On the other end of the line I heard a chirpy Welsh voice telling me “Hello love; it was a long journey but I wanted you to know that I got home safely”.
Hi, isn’t it funny how the strangest things happen and at the time we don’t know why but afterwards we know that these things are special messages just for us. I know my Nan will always be my Angel just as she was when she was here on Earth and I know that she lives on in J and myself………. we both have her stubborn streak and strong independent side.
Thanks for commenting
xx
My Nan had passed that afternoon and I spent the rest of the day sobbing non-stop. I’m sure it was her way of telling me – once she arrived at wherever it is the soul goes to – that everything was going to be okay.
I swear that she pops into our bedroom some nights to check on me. I know I dream about her a lot and she always has her lovely smile on her face
When she was happy she had the most beautiful dancing, sparkling eyes but the day day she died she looked so sad that the music had stopped. When J was born the music began playing louder than ever
xx
My Nan had always wanted a grandson, and so was delighted when I gave her the first boy in her family for 50 years. She doted on R and always asked about him, even though he was too unpredictable and sometimes violent with his autism to be anywhere near her.
I remember her bright blue eyes always dancing with mischief and amusement; when that beautiful spark inside her began to fade it was so sad – and if she finally went to sleep because I told her she could I’m happy to have done that. She seemed to be hanging on just to see me.
I know exactly what you mean about the sparkle fading.
xx
I often wonder what kind of relationship my Nan and J would have had, although I cherish the one they have now and I love that he calls her special Nanny
We all need an angel, I’m sure she is staying close by being one for you – and your son!
I know she is Westie……..I know she is.
Oh Jo, you had me in tears reading this. So beautifully written and so heartfelt. I know how special your Nan was to you, mine was too. What beautiful words she left for you, “I’ll always be your Angel” just so wonderful. Seeing J on those photo I can so see your day now and feel the heart that was captured in those images, what a precious gift he is.
Love you my lovely friend.
Sending you {{{BIG HUGS}}} Leesy. xxx <3
Leesy, I can’t put into words what those words that she said to me mean, but when I saw J running so free and happy I knew it was a sign from her to start letting go, to be free of the grief I’ve been carrying around for so long. I’ll never stop missing her but I’m more at peace with saying goodbye to her now……….and it’s all thanks to my oh so special and extra precious gift. Love him so much xx
Sending you ((hugs)) too my lovely friend xxxxx
I know what you mean! My dad passed away just before I got married and I really feel like a piece of my heart is missing! It has got easier to deal with as time as gone by… as you are experiencing now! x
I thought I would feel guiltier for moving on but I know now that I don’t and shouldn’t feel guilty, I love my Nan and will never forget her. I only have happy memories, in fact the majority of my happy childhood memories involve my Nan, special memories that I can share with J. xx
Beautiful post! So many tell us that grief is a two year process, but it is not. I can’t tell you the exact day I realized I was no longer grieving my Dad’s death and instead was appreciating the memories and just enjoying seeing him in my son, but like with your Nan it took me years of tears.
I’m glad that you share your thoughts and memories with us and so glad Nan gave you J. It will continue to get better I am sure.
Hugs and blessing!
Hi Sue,
It took a long time to deal my grief when I lost my Grandad too, he was my father figure growing up and I was alone with him when he passed away. It was me that had to tell my Mum and my Nan that he had died, after that I had to be strong for my Nan so I didn’t have to deal with it. My Nan was the most important person in my life, until J nobody meant more to me than she did. I know that the grief will never go away but I know (and feel) that I can move on, stop grieving so much and remember all of those happy memories I have, share them with J and I know when I look in his eyes I can see her. Both had and have a certain kind of special in their eyes. xx
Absolutely beautiful and really moving. Here’s to your grandma, J, and you.