No Hosepipe But A Few Fish This Wordless Wednesday

It’s another sunny day so…………..

I set this up as an after school surprise

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Abit Of Therapy

So over the weekend J and I had a “Therapy Day”, to be honest we both needed it for different reasons.

We spent the whole day doing stuff together, we did some food therapy, used Theraputty, drew pictures, blew bubbles, did puzzles and even did some painting. It was a very busy and pretty tiring day but it was just what we both needed. J was very relaxed after his day of “therapy” and spent some time relaxing with Mario and then playing with his Dad before going off to bed. Whilst he was playing Mario I started writing some things down, just to clear my head. And then once he’d gone to bed I wrote some more. I wrote from the heart, as I’ve said before I’m not great with feelings but I like to write things out. I have a few more appointments coming up over the next month that I hope will give me some answers and maybe a little more hope……….. who knows maybe they’ll even start to heal the mind games and grief that’s troubling me at the moment.

But anyhow, this is what I wrote …………….

I don’t know if I can, I don’t know if I dare

Open my heart to begin to share 

How I’m screaming inside, how I really feel

Because then I have to admit what’s happened, it’s real

*

I try so hard to lock my feelings inside

But sometimes they’re too overwhelming for me to hide

The emptiness inside fills my heart with pain

As the thoughts in my head drive me insane

*

So many thoughts going through my mind

Trying to understand why life’s so unkind

But as the words go around they hurt my head

And inside I feel nothing, I’m empty, I’m dead

*

To lose one baby too soon broke my heart

But to lose five more has torn me apart

My heart’s trying so very hard to understand

Why we’ll never get to hold their hands

*

It doesn’t make sense, I keep thinking “why not?”

And then “Should we be happy with what we’ve got?”

But maybe, just maybe I want a repeat of the joy

That I get each and everyday from my special boy

*

But there’s a pain inside, the scars run deep

It overflows and wounds begin to weep

I don’t know what to do, again do we try?

How?   When all of our hope has run dry

*

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Not Sure What To Write……..

So, I’m sat here staring at the screen wondering what to write. I’ve got a million and one things running through my mind but can’t seem to find any of the words I want to write……… So I apologize in advance, this is likely to be another rambling post and if you want to stop reading now I’m ok with that, I’ just trying to get some thoughts out.

We’ve had a tough couple of weeks and although I’ve written some things down I’m not sure I can share everything yet. I’ve only “spoken” with a few select people about what’s been happening in the MumtoJ house but sharing and expressing how I feel is something I’ve always struggled with. I know it’s not healthy to hold feelings inside but everybody deals with things differently. I’ve kinda shared how I’ve been feeling with myself. I like to write, I’ve written alot in the past couple of weeks, it’s just my way of dealing with everything that’s happened.

It’s hard for me to express how I’m feeling but it’s even harder when you’re not sure how you feel. I have so many feelings running through me at the minute and so many thoughts that are playing games with my mind that I’m really not sure how to deal with it all. How do you deal with something that you don’t have answers for but you know is your fault and yet there is nothing you can do to prevent it happening? And whilst dealing with the mind games I still have to be Mum, I have to be happy, smiley Mum. J’s face was etched with anxiety when events of last week started to unfold, thankfully Hubby took him away from the situation before it all got so much worse. However since then he’s been double checking things constantly, he’s been much cuddlier than usual and so everything has to be ok, I have to be ok for him. I don’t want him to ever feel the anxiety I saw on his face last week again. I should point out that I have a wonderful Hubby who has been very supportive but even his love and support hasn’t stopped the mind games.

I guess it’s the thoughts playing on my mind that are eating me up, the feelings inside I’ve had and dealt with too many times before but it’s the “stuff” playing games with my mind that I’m struggling to deal with.

Ok enough rambling, sorry…………………… again! And if you made it to the end of this post, thanks for sticking with it…………again!

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The Mug Says It All This Wordless Wednesday

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Just Needed To Write Something Down……………..

I’m not really sure what to write, I not really sure what I want to say………….. in fact I’m not really sure of much at the moment

It’s been a rough couple of weeks in the MumtoJ house, in fact it’s been a rough couple of months. Right now I’m not sure I can explain it all, I’ve got so many thoughts and words racing through my head at the moment I just needed to write something down…………. anything! ‘Cus my brain may explode if I don’t write something down.

We seem to have had one knock after another and to be honest it’s getting harder to hold it all together at the moment. I’m finding it hard to understand why we’ve had to deal with so much crap, (sorry but couldn’t think of another word to use), and what we’ve done to deserve so much crap, (sorry again).  We keep fighting but there’s only the 3 of us against the world, hardly a fair fight is it? I often sit and chat to my Nan, crazy right? I mean she’s been dead for almost 7 years, but she listens and I don’t know who else I can talk to. If she were still here I know she would have understood. I don’t talk about my faith and my beliefs very often but to be honest I’m not sure what they are anymore either.

I’ve always found writing theraputic and with everything that I’ve got going through my head at the moment I just needed to write something down. I know this is abit of a rambling post and to be quite honest I’m not sure I care whether you’ve made it to the end of this post, maybe you decided to give it a miss after the first line…………. If you made it to the end, thanks for sticking with it and sorry for rambling.

Time to put the smile on and hope everything really does happen for a reason …………….. a good reason!

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