Posted in anxiety, feelings, grief, health, life, loss, miscarriage, parenting, pregnancy, why?, tagged children, Family, Feelings, grief, health, life, loss, miscarriage, parenting, pregnancy on March 24, 2011 |
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I’ve always thought that things always happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen that we don’t want to happen but that’s part of life, some of us are luckier than others but still everything happens for a reason……….. right?
Almost 13 years ago I sat holding my Granddad’s hand and watched him peacefully pass away. That morning I had been told not to go to the hospital because he had had a rough night and needed to rest. Well I’ve never been one to do as I’m told and if my Granddad had had a rough night then I wanted to be there with him, so I went to the hospital anyway. My Granddad was my father figure growing up and whilst I felt my heart getting ripped from my chest when he died I managed to hold it together long enough to make the call to my Mum, who was with my beloved Nan. That was it, the reason I’d been there that morning, so that I could be there with him, so that I could be the person to tell those that mattered the devastating news rather than a stranger calling them but most importantly so that my Nan could take a little comfort in the knowledge that he wasn’t alone.
A week after my Granddad died, (around the time of his funeral), I discovered I was pregnant, it was my 3rd pregnancy so I was very cautious with my feelings. Around the same time my cousin also discovered that she was pregnant. Unfortunately I again went on to miscarry however my cousin went on to have a healthy baby boy, who looks, (in my opinion), very much like my Granddad. So whilst we were forced to say goodbye to my Granddad, maybe it was to make way for my Nephew…………. afterall everything happens for a reason, right?
When I said goodbye to my Nan I thought it would be something that I could never recover from. My Nan was my world and I would have gladly given my life for hers. When she died my world stopped for a while…………….. then I discovered that I was pregnant again, (5th pregnancy). Despite the usual cautiousness with my feelings something felt different this time around, I felt that this baby was my Nan’s final gift to me and that she was watching over us to ensure a safe arrival. I had various difficulties during the pregnancy and J was born a month early by emergency cesarean but he was and is perfect. I still miss my Nan everyday and I’m sure I will for the rest of my life but I take a little comfort in my belief that everything happens for a reason. Maybe she had to say goodbye to us so that she could watch over J as he entered the world, I often wonder if she knew what the future held. And maybe we had to go through the pain of the previous miscarriages so that when J entered our lives we would really appreciate just how special he was and would love him all the more, (if that’s possible).
So I’ve been thinking alot recently about my belief in “things happen for a reason” and I just can’t see it right now. I can’t see what possible “reason” there would be for us to go through another loss, surely we’ve had our fair share! We’ve had a variety of tests done now, my arm is beginning to feel like a pin cushion, the results of which we’re still waiting on. But what’s really not helping is the way the hospital seem to be dragging things out. It’s too hard to go into details but right now we’re in limbo…………. I’m not miscarrying in the usual way (whatever that means!!!), no-one wants to do the necessary surgery until certain tests results come back but there’s only so long they can wait………….. it just seems to be going on and on. Do they not realise we can’t move on until certain decisions have been made …………….. and I have a very confused little man at home wondering what’s going on, wondering if his mummy has to stay in hospital or not and asking questions like “will you come home from hospital?”
I just wish someone could give us some answers because right now I really can’t understand why all of this is happening to us.
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Posted in feelings, grief, health, life, love, Me, miscarriage, parenting, pregnancy, support, why?, tagged children, Family, Feelings, friendship, grief, health, life, loss, me, miscarriage, parenting, pregnancy, support on March 17, 2011 |
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It’s a good question, one that I’m not sure of the answer to. I’ve not posted for a few days now and I may be quiet for a while longer, right now my head and my heart are feeling a little scattered, I’m hoping by writing it all down I can release some of the feelings I’m trying to keep on top of.
This month I discovered that I was pregnant and to say that it was a shock would be an understatement. As well as shock the news came with a huge bag of mixed emotions. On one hand very happy and excited that we could be welcoming a new addition to our family but on the other hand fear and dread. Those of you that have read my blog for a while will know that my hubby and I had 4 miscarriages before we welcomed J into our life. So once the shock had sunk in the next emotion felt was fear……………… fear of what might happen, fear of how we’ll cope if we lost another baby, fear of how we’d deal with J wondering what’s going on, (he can usually sense when Mummy is sad or if something is wrong), just plain old fear! Only for a brief moment did I start to think about how exciting and how wonderful it would be to welcome a brother or sister for J into our life, then the fear started to creep back into my head and my heart.
We were instructed to go for an early ultrasound due to my history and as we entered the door to the ultrasound room we wondered what the next 10 minutes would bring. The sonographer was chatty and very pleasant so we wondered if things were starting to look good but then we got “the look” and she told us that she was concerned and that we had to return in a couple of weeks for another scan. At that point we knew something was wrong but she had not explained her concerns so all we could do was cling to the small piece of hope that we had left.
All of that hope was taken away the following morning……………… my doctor rang me to explain that he had the results of the ultrasound and it didn’t look good, (I’m sorry but this is pretty hard to write and I simply can’t and don’t want to go into details). He told me I had to have more blood tests and return to see him after 2 working days. After returning to see him he told us that the first results had not come back as he had expected and I would have to repeat the tests. Today those results came back and the doctor told us the bad news. Tomorrow I would have to go see the specialists at the hospital because I was indeed going to miscarry. I can’t put into words how I felt, how I feel. It was an incredibly devastating blow. All of the feelings felt too many times before came flooding back tenfold and then on top of those feelings came the fear and worry of how we were going to cope and explain things to J. Each miscarriage has resulted in a hospital stay and a period of rest afterwards, I’ve never even spent one night away from him. How do you explain to any child, let alone a child with ASD that Mummy can’t put him to bed or come to him in the night when he yells out because I have a poorly tummy and have to go to hospital, how do we explain that without creating huge anxieties. Then more devastation swept over me when the realisation hit me, not only is all of this happening but it’s happening around J’s birthday, I can’t ruin his birthday he’s so incredibly excited, how could I do that to him?!?!
I’m very lucky and have made some wonderful friends here in Oz. Friends who for the past week or so have offered help, support and understanding, but most importantly have cared. Thankyou to you lovely ladies, you know who you are xx
I’m sorry if I’ve “gone on abit” but I don’t know how else to get some of these feelings out, writing is a powerful tool in trying to help me understand and come to terms with everything that’s happening at the moment. x
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Posted in 365 Project, Arts and Crafts, Asperger's Syndrome, Australia, behaviour, children, creations, family, feelings, fun, lessons, life, memories, parenting, photography, pictures, school, smile, special needs, special occasions, study, teach, tagged 365 Project, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, children, Family, Feelings, Fun, life, parenting, photography, school, smile, special needs, special occasions, The Future on March 9, 2011 |
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Day 68 -
We’ve now been homeschooling on a Wednesday for a couple of weeks now and it seems to be working a treat. J is getting so much out of staying home for just one day a week and he is definitely far more relaxed on a Wednesday now. He gets up in the morning, eats his breakfast without any arguments, gets dressed without any whining and complaining and he is, (at the moment), enjoying the things that we are doing together.
We’ve now done 3 Wednesdays. The first Wednesday I took him swimming, where he amazed me by managing to get himself from one side of the pool to the other. He got a huge sense of achievement and was rewarded with a prize! We also completed worksheets that I printed off for him, including some addition, a maze and other puzzles. We also played snakes and ladders, we’re still trying to learn the art of taking it in turns and losing without having a meltdown but we’re getting there
The second week I again took him swimming and was joined by my lovely friend D and her little man. The boys played brilliantly together, racing up and down the pool and jumping in……………. yes that’s right JUMPING IN!!! Again J’s confidence in water just grew even more and he also got some social time with his friend During the afternoon I decided to try some writing with him. J hates writing anything more than his name! So in order to engage his attention I suggested writing some Mario words. He only wrote a few but we still managed to work on his pencil grip and letter writing, J can recognise all letters and can write most but some are written in his own unique way
This week due to him not feeling 100% I decided to give swimming a miss. However over the past couple of weeks his “dirty” thing has begun to surface again, (not sure why), so I thought we could have an arty day and work on the “being dirty issue” he has. First we had to decide on a subject for the day, J decided that he would like to “do sea creatures”. (choice making skills there ) Today we have drawn with crayons, with pencils, with paint and with chalk. We’ve talked about some sea creatures and J even wrote the names of some sea creatures! (and all with minimum handwashing!! LOL)
I’m so glad we decided to homeschool for one day a week. J gets the break that he needs, he gets to develop his skills further in a relaxed manner and overall we have a very happy house for one day a week. I think he likes the one on one attention he gets and the structure that he has on a Wednesday. I also feel that he is being stimulated in a more challenging way. J is a very smart kid, so learning about the numbers 2 and 3 at school really isn’t doing anything for a child who can count to over 100 and can count in 10′s, add, subtract etc etc……. He’s complained several times now that Prep has too many kids in, he’s bored, he’s got no-one to play with, he doesn’t like the room and so on. Maybe when we’re looking around at different schools for next year we need to be not only looking at class sizes and help that he will receive but also how they will structure his learning because as a smart little man he isn’t going to learn very much academically if he isn’t stimulated in the right way.
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I recently received a Rubbermaid Reveal Mop to review.
It has just launched in selected Bunnings stores around Australia with a RRP of $39.90. I know what you’re thinking $40 for a mop! I thought the same thing, however this is a genius mop.
The mop uses microfibre cleaning pads, which tend to pick up more dust and dirt than other mops on the market. The microfibre pads are removable and washable, this itself makes the mop worth its $39.90, think of the money you’ll save by not having to replace mop heads!
The mop also has its own spray bottle attached with a handy spray handle attached to the mop handle. Again cost-effective because you can mix up your own cleaning solution rather than relying on shop bought ones, (although I will admit I did use a shop bought solution for my review of the mop, simply because I had some in the cupboard). Ofcourse the spray trigger also means less mess and no dragging heavy buckets of water around.
As for ease of use, even J who is almost 5 found the mop easy to use.
The mop head swivels making it easy to clean around corners etc, it’s lightweight, the spray button is very simple to use, you simply pull the trigger and it’s very handy for cleaning up spillages etc that just happen………… you know what I mean
The only problem that I had with the mop was that I found it struggled to clean a stubborn stain on the tiles and the cleaning bottle leaked a little when I first used it. (minor things really but I wanted to be honest with my review)
Overall I’d recommend the mop and I think it’s one of the handiest, most used things in the house at the moment. It’s so quick and easy to just grab and mop a small mess.
Now for the giveaway!!
I have one Rubbermaid Reveal Mop to giveaway to one lucky reader! (Australian Residents only)
To your very own Rubbermaid Reveal Mop simply leave a comment below
For a bonus entry tweet this giveaway (please leave a separate comment)
Another bonus entry by liking my facebook page here (please leave a separate comment)
Giveaway closes midnight 18th March 2011
The Rubbermaid Australia website has just launched at www.rubbermaid.com.au
Rubbermaid is also on Facebook
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Posted in parenting on March 8, 2011 |
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I took this picture today quite simply because I thought it looked lovely. I loved the green of the leaves and J loved the red of the bloom.
I also thought it could symbolise J’s choices today……………. J has been a little ill for a couple of days but today he was bad enough for me to take him to the doctor and to keep him off school. Due to feeling under the weather he’s been feeling a little grouchy, like most people do. Usually this means lots of red choices are made by J and we have several meltdowns, today however despite feeling like he is, J has made lots of green choices. For example he didn’t cause chaos in the doctor’s waiting room, instead he sat and waited patiently. He didn’t attack the doctor when he asked J to open wide, instead he obliged and said “aahhh”. When he arrived back home he was allowed an hour on the Playstation, when his time was up he didn’t start throwing things and screaming and shouting, instead he allowed Daddy to switch it off and found something else to do………… see lots of green choices.
I’ve also had a reasonably quiet day, compared to the usual, which has meant I’ve also had a very green day. So despite feeling exhausted from being up half the night with J and feeling really sorry for my little man, who has an awful cough, we’ve actually had a blooming lovely day today (I hope he feels better soon though)
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Day 66 – J’s confidence in water is growing, a few months ago he wouldn’t put his head anywhere near it now he’s got his mouth in the water!!
Close but maybe next time you could use the snorkel instead of the straw!
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Posted in 365 Project, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, children, friendships, fun, hobbies, life, love, memories, nature, obsessions, parenting, photography, pictures, school, smile, tagged 365 Project, arts and crafts, Asperger's Syndrome, Autism, children, Family, Feelings, friendship, Fun, Hobbies, life, parenting, photography, school, smile, special needs on March 6, 2011 |
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Day 63 –
J is obsessed with leaves and has quite a collection that he has built up over the last few weeks. When I collected him from school this week he told me again that 2 of his classmates had been “really nasty and broke some of his leaves,” he was quite upset by this. I know they’re just leaves but to J they are amongst his most precious possessions. He told me that he told the teacher and she had told him not to worry about it………………… probably not the best words to use because she meant it in a “don’t worry I’ll talk to them about it” way but being a literal thinker all he heard was “don’t worry about it”, which ofcourse he did! *sigh*
Here’s some of J’s leaf collection
Day 64 –
Every night when he gets home from school there’s nothing J loves more than sinking into his ball pit. We’ve gotten through a few of the inflatable ones, he loves to jump into them and rummage around unfortunately that has meant that he has popped a few, so we now use a small paddling pool. It works a treat!
Day 65 –
J’s most favourite thing in the whole world is his special doggy.
Special doggy comes everywhere with us, it’s very cute watching him talk to his special doggy on the way to and from school in the car and then he gives him a hug and a kiss…………. special doggy has to wait for J in the car whilst he is at school, he won’t take him into school just in case the other kids touch him And of course special doggy is always with him at bedtime along with his skanky blanky
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Sorry for delay in drawing a winner for this giveaway.
Again amazed as there were only 6 entries and it’s such a fab movie, I’m sure the winner of the double pass will love it.
And so without further ado the winning comment was chosen randomly and was………………………………. comment number 3, which was made by Kym.
Congratulations Kym, please forward me your details and I’ll get the pass sent out to you
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Posted in 365 Project, Arts and Crafts, Australia, nature, photography, pictures, smile, tagged 365 Project, arts and crafts, Australia, parenting, photography, smile on March 3, 2011 |
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I took this picture of a garden near J’s school this morning. It’s a little wild but I thought it looked really pretty.
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Posted in 365 Project, creations, days out, food, fun, life, memories, parenting, photography, pictures, smile, swimming, tagged 365 Project, arts and crafts, children, Days Out, Family, Feelings, food, Fun, life, parenting, photography, smile, special needs on March 2, 2011 |
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Day 60 -
Last night I helped J to make fruit kebabs……….. I wasn’t sure if he’d eat them but figured it was worth a shot……………… and he surprised me by eating pretty much all of them!!! YAY!!!
Day 61 -
Today we met with friends at the local pool and had an absolute ball! J’s confidence in water has improved dramatically since we ended his swimming lessons. He’s had lots o fun around at a friend’s house in their pool, which he can stand up in. This has helped his confidence so much so thankyou D for having us round so often Whenever we go to the local pool I now take along his swimming vest, which also has helped to improve his confidence in water, he likes having the security of it, just knowing that it helps him to float seems to make him feel alot happier in the water.
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